11/17/14

This was a Monday just like any other.. till it wasn't.

I have been told by many people that it can be beneficial to write/blog about your traumatic experiences and I believe it has helped. I have written it in a journal addressed to my dad, but I want to put it here also so that others can know the story. This blog will have letters to him throughout my life as well!

My dad was headed to work just like every other weekday with his commuting buddy Don Collins. Dad would meet Donny at the gas station right off the Moapa Valley exit where he would leave his beauty of a truck, and hop in with Donny who drove a Cadillac Escalade. These two are typical old men who leave an hour early for work so they can mosey along.

Donny was driving and my dad was in the passengers seat. They were on I-215 headed east about to their work exit, when a driver headed west swerved over into oncoming traffic and hit the left front side of the Escalade. At that moment it was 5 am..

Donny was thrown from the vehicle, my dad's legs kept him from being thrown and he ended laying face down across the console. The man who hit them ended up in the passengers seat of his car.

When the vehicles collided the police officer told me it was as if they were both hitting a brick wall at 123 miles per hour.. The impact killed all three instantly. This was a blessing in the end.

Shortly after impact, the cadillac started on fire and my dad's body was severely burnt. The coroners report stated there wasn't any ash residue in my dads throat or larynx, meaning he was already dead when the car started on fire.. Like I said, a blessing.

This accident happened at 5AM people.. On his way to work..

My dads boss calls my brother about 9am asking him if he had heard from my dad because he and Donny hadn't showed up to work and that was very unusual for them. Cabe called me but just asked for my Aunts number, he didn't want to alarm me because he knew I would have over reacted..

Around 5 o'clock that evening Ryan and I headed down to St. George for our nieces birthday party. On the way down was when I got a phone call from my brother alerting me of my missing father.. At this point he knew that something was wrong and decided it was time for me to know about the situation. Instantly my mind went to the worst possible situation. I tried to talk myself out of it hoping, praying he was just in a hospital and unable to talk to the doctor or that he wanted to take a small vacay.. anything but dead..

At this point we just didn't know what had happened. Cabe was calling the highway patrol and asking if there was any accidents and such.. He finally got a positive when he ID'd the vehicle Donny and my dad were in.. my dad had been a John Doe ALL DAY..

Then came that dreaded call from Cabe.. It wasn't good. My dad had been in an accident and he was dead. This had to be a mistake! My dad couldn't possibly be dead!.. This couldn't be happening! This wasn't ever going to happen to me!. He wasn't mistaken, my dad really was dead.

I lost it..

That week was a blur, well the next few months were.



My life was forever changed that day. I will never get over the pain and hurt, but have simply had to learn to adapt to living with it. I believe whole heartily in the stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I however didn't go through them in the exact order they are listed. Of course denial hit me first. There was no possible way my dad had left me, he would never do that, the cops had it wrong. This lasted for three days until they had positively identified my dad by his dental records. That was on Wednesday.
Cabe and I had planned his funeral for that Saturday. I cannot believe to this day how everything fell perfectly into place for that day to be as perfect as a funeral can be. My dad had gotten a death insurance plan just one year before, that November, it was enough to pay for all the funeral expenses plus some. Amazingly there is a man who lives in Cedar City who builds caskets out of wood and he personalizes them to the person. He happened to have just finished one he was working on that hadn't been sold yet. We got to add what we wanted on the top and made it just right for dad! He had always wanted to be buried in a pine box, he actually told me this 3 weeks before the accident. Well he got his wish! The funeral couldn't have turned out more perfect! So many of our loved ones came to the rescue and helped out so so much and I just want to thank all of you for your love and help in that difficult time.


I know that God has a plan for each and everyone of us, he is the very author of life. His plan may not make sense to me but I know it's perfect, even if it is difficult to bare. My dad was taken from me way to early, the song The Impossible by Joe Nichols is a prefect example of how I felt that Wednesday when they positively identified my dad. I never thought this would happen, not in a million years, but here I am and it has happened.  "Unsinkable ships sink, unbreakable walls break, sometimes the things you think would never happen, happen just like that, unbendable steel bends if the fury of the wind is unstoppable I've learned to never underestimate the impossible."
My eyes and heart have been opened to so much since my dads untimely passing. I met Ryan at the exact time I was suppose to, we were married in Gods house, under his law and covenants and with my father as a witness. I got my dad for my daddy daughter dance that I had dreamed of since I can remember. God knew I needed these small and simple things from my dad, he knew I needed those 24 years with him, with all the memories and lessons my dad got to share with me. He knew I needed to be married in his house with my dad there to hold me, and have Ryan there before it was time for my dad to return to him; So he gave me Ryan and those 24 years with me dad and I am so grateful I have them to cherish forever. God has never left my side through this whole ordeal and I have never once felt angry with him. He has showed me love and compassion, he has put people in my path that I needed so dearly in this difficult time and he has held me up and still continues to do so.

Temples have always held such a special place in my heart. I love them so so much especially the St. George temple. That Temple has all my firsts, sealed to my parents, baptisms for the dead, my own endowment, the sealing to my amazing husband and the very place I first felt my fathers presence after his passing. It is also the place where my first good dream of my dad took place. I dreamt of walking into the Temple and seeing my dads youthful smiling face, when I woke, I instantly knew everything would be okay.
I have always believed in life after death, the plan of salvation and of course the Atonement of Christ. It takes on a more serious meaning when you lose someone you love so much. I know without a shadow of a doubt I will be with my dad again, I will get my hug and kiss, I will get to hear his laugh and see his smile, I will have my dad for eternity. They say the spirit world is here on earth and I find myself pondering if he is always here with me or if he can just come visit. In his patriarchal blessing it says; 'Thou knowest not of the number of thy days upon the land, but they are numbered to the lord, and when thou departest this life, it will be according to a divine command. In thy heavenly abode, thou wilt engage in the great work of the redemption, and in so doing, thou wilt learn of higher laws and ordinances. Thou wilt teach the gospel to those that know not Christ, and thou wilt help to prepare families to receive  their earthly blessings. Many will partake of thy counsel and be blessed through the law of obedience'. This piece of his patriarchal blessing gives me so much reassurance knowing that he had a greater calling he needed to attend to!
I have a feeling that my dad knew he wasn't going to live a full life here on earth, and I even think he kinda knew his time was coming. He is up there right now doing the Lords work and I know he is loving what he is doing. My dad is truly in a happy place, it is not him that is suffering, it is us his family and loved ones who are left behind. Although I know he misses us and longs to be here still, I also know that he is where he is supposed to be and doing what is needed.
The Atonement of Christ is such an amazing blessing to me. Jesus knows exactly what I'm feeling and going through because he went through this in the Garden of Gethsemane for me so that he can be with me and comfort me in my heartache. He was crucified for me and he was resurrected so that I can again live to be with my dad again. Jesus loves me so deeply that he did all of this so I could simply be happy. He did this for every single person because he loves us that much! This gospel is the most amazing part of my life and I thank my Heavenly Father as often as I can for allowing me to be a part of it!

I do have anger. I am angry that a grown man can be so irresponsible that he would get into his car and try to drive to work when he is high on morphine. I am angry that my dad was a John Doe ALL DAY. It hurts me so much that he was without a name for so long. I am angry that my dad was burnt, I didn't get my closure of seeing him in his Temple clothes and lying peacefully in his casket. I am angry my kids don't get to have my dad as a grandpa here on earth. I am angry that I have to grow up without my dad. This is where forgiveness comes in! This is where the love of Christ takes over and once again reminds me that life on earth is such a small amount of time compared to eternity and whats most important is that I have ETERNITY with him! He will forever be my guardian angel and he will be the best grandpa in heaven my kids will ever have! He may have left us physically but he will always be there spiritually.

Although I'm still a mess 80% of the time, I know with the gospel and time things will get better.